It used to be so much easier...sigh.

Caution: Pre-teen up ahead.

The Bragg Barnyard

Seriously. How did this happen? Clearly, it is only the borderline insane that end up with 4 children, 6 guinea pigs, 3 kitties, 1 dog and 1 fish. I am lucid enough to realize this is not normal.

It all began with the dog...and I blame my husband for this. He secretly took the girls to Petland for a year to play with the puppies before the fateful evening. It was March, 2007. My baby was about to turn 2. I have never had a 2 year old before without also having a newborn baby, so I was feeling a little sad that the womb was empty in this odd year, when in 1999, 2001, 2003 and 2005 there was a new precious newborn to love on. My husband pounced on this opportunity.

CJ had been talking about some cute puppy at the store and Hey! Why don't we take a family outing to the pet store to just look at the cute puppies, not to buy one, just to play with them? Lucy was a tiny, precious, caramel colored Cock-a-poo, and Evie, who is a major animal lover (what? the fish didn't satisfy her need for a pet??) was beside herself over the cute puppies.

Against our better judgement, (we have never been known to make well thought out decisions...we are both live in the moment type of people so there is no one to "reality check" the situation when we make rash decisions) we decide to bring the puppy home. This resulted in one of the most precious scenes ever - the pet store employees still remember it to this day: Evie is holding the puppy and we tell her we are going to take it home. She looks bewildered and asks us several times to clarify that she heard and understood us correctly, and then she bursts into sobbing tears, hugging us and thanking us over and over again, and just kept crying and crying. I thought the employee was going to start crying over the scene.

Well, if that reaction didn't just make CJ and I feel like parents of the year!

We closed the deal and took our little caramel bundle of fluff home. It was the beginning of the end.

It was fun for, oh, a few days. I actually enjoyed getting up at 5am the next morning to let her out in the pouring rain and encourage her to "go potty, girl! go potty!", and then felt blissful as she fell asleep on my chest for an hour. It really reminded me of my newborn babies...(remember, we have already established earlier that there is borderline insanity going on at this house.)

Then, you know, she became a completely annoying puppy. We had named her Lucy, but CJ started making up nicknames for her like Lucifer, Idiot, and Dum-Dum. (we are such good role models to our children). She constantly bit at our ankles and hands if we tried to pet her and, after getting her spayed, started doing things like this:

Okay, so it was pretty funny at first. The girls thought she was "hugging" them, so we went with that explanation for a while. But then, you know, it got a little....much....and we started telling the girls to not allow her to do that anymore because Lucy was trying to tell them that she was in charge of them by doing that. sigh.

What can I say about this dog...she will be 2 in January, and I finally see some mellowing happening and think that perhaps there might be hope for her. But we have already determined her circumstances of death...it will most certainly be untimely and due to being hit by a car, as every chance she gets to give us the slip she goes tearing out the door, down the driveway and onto the road, where there is always conveniently a car coming down the road. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard tires screech to a halt, or witnessed a very near miss and had to deal with a very shaken and angry driver. Grrrrr...this dog!


So, back to the story at hand...we get through the rest of 2007 with 1 fish and 1 dog. At the beginning of Jan. 2008 Evie, who continues to have an unusual love and need of caring for animals, asks for a guinea pig. A guinea pig? Gross. But, you know, I love my girl, and she has this need to care for something and so we go look at them. Babies have just been born at the pet store. Wouldn't you know, they are pretty cute. I secretly reserve one, which will be old enough for pickup the day before her birthday on Feb. 1.

She is beyond thrilled and names her new little friend "Minn" to represent Minnesota, because her Minnesota cousin has a guinea pig named "George" to represent Georgia. How clever.

We all fall in love with Minn! Who knew what a great pet a guinea pig would make! Had I known, we wouldn't have had to get Dum-Dum. I highly recommend guinea pigs as pets.

Madeline's birthday is three weeks later and it just makes sense, (right?), to get another pig...a friend for Minn. That's rational, isn't it? So off we go to find the right pig for Madeline and we meet a handsome tan colored boy with red eyes. How interesting and unusual! I think he's the one! Oh, yea, but there is that little detail of Minn being a girl. Yea that. Oh, come on, lets go for it! Could be fun! (remember, people, rash decisions are the name of the game at this house.)

So our little buddy, Apple, arrives on the scene. Get it? Minn. Apple. Minneapolis? We are so clever.

So now we have 1 fish, 1 dog, and 2 guinea pigs.

Well, you can guess what happened after that. Boy meets girl, yada yada yada, (cue music...)

When it became clear to me that Minn was with child, I told the children, hey, I think we should have a marriage ceremony for Apple and Minn, they really seem to like each other! So we did... afterall, I wanted the pigs to set a good example for the girls. A few days after the ceremony I thought it was safe to let the girls know that I thought Minn might be pregnant.

When she became so big she could barely move (guinea pigs are not like hamsters...the baby pigs are born the size of a full grown hamster, full of hair, eyes open and moving around the cage), and we had guessed she was going to have at least 3 pigs, we ran to check whenever we heard a noise from the cage. One Sat. morning at 8am, Evie heard a squeal and jumped out of bed in time to watch 2 babies be born. She then ran down to tell everyone. By the time they got upstairs she'd had a third, and by the time I got home from my errand and ran up there she'd had a fourth. (may I just say, i was highly jealous that this pig spent 60 days gestating and 15 minutes of labor to produce 4 offspring? it took me a bit longer than that...)

Thankfully we had read up on the subject and learned that mama pigs go through another fertile cycle 5 days after giving birth and Minn would get preggers again if we left Apple in the cage, so Apple got a new cage and moved into Madeline's room. (Poor guy, he still seems depressed to this day.)

So now we have 1 fish, 1 dog, and 6 guinea pigs.

The girls named the babies Mini Minn, Silky, Oreo, and Star. We managed to give away 3 of them, but no one wanted the retard, Oreo, so she remains with us. She is such the red-headed stepchild. We just were never able to bond with her like we did with Minn and Apple. Since she is a girl she gets to live with her Mama, Minn, in Evie's room.

We had forced the dog to accept these new family members and it was hilarious to watch her around them...nature vs. nurture at work in her mind...she tried so hard to be gentle and kind while simultaneously salivating and breathing heavy while she would lick their backs and try not to take a big bite! (see Minn snuggled up to Lucy?)

One day, in the spring of this year when we got home from spring break, we discovered that a stray cat had birthed kittens in our back yard. Now there is a big back story here...who knew, but stray, feral cats are very common in the south. Because of the climate, they can easily live and survive outdoors year round. They often set up camp in n'hoods because there are usually some kind souls that will occasionally put out food for them, and there are plenty of trash cans to raid.

We'd had such a cat living around our yard and our surrounding neighbors since we moved to the house in 2005, and this, in fact, was her FOURTH litter of babies that she had delivered in our yard since we'd moved in (the tom cats always seemed to choose our back yard for the rendezvous with the feral cat, we would hear the whole thing go down, it sounded like a baby crying)! Our next door neighbors had taken mercy on the third litter which had 2 survivors (who knows what happened to the other babies, they always just disappeared) and they had found an organization to fix the kitties and give them shots and they were now feeding them regularly and leaving their garage door open for them.

So we get back from spring break and discover 3 beautiful white/gray/siamese looking baby kitties and we say enough is enough! That poor mama needs to be shut down! Capturing these skittish baby kitties and then the feral mama would have made for an excellent reality tv show. CJ spent a whole day on this detail. At one point the man was removing boards from our deck and had a perimeter of kids around the thing to be lookouts for the last remaining kitty holdout that took us an extra day to catch.

That would now be 1 fish, 1 dog, 6 pigs (we had not yet gotten rid of the baby pigs when the kitties entered our family), and 3 kitties...this was the crescendo of our insanity.

We get connected to a lady in our n'hood who works for a rescue organization and we get the mama cat sent away for spaying and shots...she is then released back into our n'hood...we didn't mind as long as she couldn't have babies anymore, and she wasn't adoption material, she wouldn't let anyone get near her. We nurtured and worked on the kitties allowing us to first just look at them without spitting and hissing at us, and then to allow us to touch and hold them without them freaking out.

(I just love the dog watching the kitties in this picture)

And here are the girls with Fuzz Bob Buddy Pants, Sassy, and Mr. Crusty.

Okay, so we get the kitties neutered and up to date on their shots and decide that we can only keep two. (I mean we can't keep 3! That would be...crazy!)

(Incidently, around this time, people were really starting to wonder about us, and I had a friend ask me if she found a stray horse walking down the road and she put it in our backyard would we adopt it? I said, uh, yea, probably, what of it?!) :)

It is truly a sad day when we send Sassy off to his new home. We hear he is very happy and has been renamed Batman.

During this whole time, the kitties had been living in our basement storage area. While I was up in MN with the girls this summer, CJ went ballistic with the kitties being in the house after they set off our house alarm while he was at work by tearing out the wires, and ripping holes in our heating and air duct work. They must have gotten bored.

Banished to the outdoors, they were. I was worried that they would not stay in our yard, but they were bonded to us by then and have happily moved in to our screened porch and enjoy wandering, climbing trees and playing chase with each other and the dog.

Oh yea, the dog...we made her like and be gentle to the kitties. Once they were banished to the outdoors, though, she took her indoor status very seriously and will still growl and chase the kitties out of the house if they slip in when the girls leave the door open. (this pic cracks me up! Lucy would get so mad when the kitties were living in the house and they'd try and eat her food...now Lucy goes outside and eats THEIR food!)

So currently, CJ is TOTALLY OVER all the animals. So much so, that I remind him frequently that it was his idea to get the dog and rescue the kitties (I will take the credit (blame?) for the pigs.) The girls bedrooms smell like a barnyard and have pig hay all over their floors around the cages on any given day. The kitties try to sneak in the house frequently, especially now that it is getting colder, and he goes ballistic. The dog is lucky to be alive and treated as well as she is.

And Bubbles the Fish? Yea, he died. Evie is really hoping to get a new one for her birthday.

Current Status: 4 children, 1 dog, 3 guinea pigs, 2 kitties.

It is what it is, people. It is what it is.

How did we end up in Atlanta??

Well, given the weather report up in MN today, it seems obvious. But there really is more to the story.

1997. CJ and I have been married 2 years and living in our adorable little 1/2 story 1950 bungalow in St. Louis Park.

(drive by shooting of said house taken this past summer as we drove our girls around to all our old MN haunts...notice our car's side mirror)

I am about to graduate from the University of Minnesota, Carlson School of Management with a BS in general management and finance (6 years to finish my 4 year degree...what can I say) and am job hunting. Meanwhile, CJ's parents, who are currently in Omaha, NE announce to us their transfer to Atlanta, GA.

One day as I am looking at job postings on campus, I see an interesting position at a company called Scientific-Atlanta which happens to be in Atlanta, GA. I go home and tell CJ, asking, Isn't that the city where your parents are being transferred? How ironic. I think I'll do the on-campus interview when the company reps come to town.

So I do. And they like me. They really like me! They want to fly my 24 year old self to Atlanta for a fun-filled day of interviewing 8 times with various heads in the finance department. I feel like such a grown up!

To understand how crazy the idea of going to an interview in Atlanta was, you have to understand that I am a generational born and bred Minnesotan...no one in my extended family has left the close knit family nest in, well, never. And furthermore, the southeast was completely off our radar...we were the "going west" type of vacationers (California, Colorado, oh, and we went to Duluth one year...family joke). So much so that literally the comments from my family when I announced my interview was "Atlanta? That's in Georgia, isn't it?"

When I fly out for the interview, my inlaws are already living out there and my father-in-law was like an over-protective dad. They wanted me to stay with them, but I thought it appeared more professional to stay at the hotel the company I was interviewing for was putting me up at than with my mommy and daddy inlaws.

I will never forget the morning of my interview...I am getting ready and nearly finished and I get a call from the lobby..."there is a man who says he is your father-in-law here to see you." huh? okay, send him up. He arrives at my door. Turns out he was in a panic because he had called my hotel room several times that morning and thought I was sleeping in and going to miss my interview! (cause, you know, I'm only 12) He drives to the hotel to "wake" me and the lobby won't give him my room number. So he has them call me instead. I assure him that I am on task and about ready to walk out the door. And let him know that I DO shower and blowdry my hair and that is likely what I was doing when he was calling me repeatedly. :) I can laugh about it now! It's good to be loved. :)

Back to the story, where was I? Oh, okay...so they still really like me (can you believe it?) and give me an offer. I am such a big girl! Is this for real? Are we really going to do this???? My whole LIFE is in Minnesota! I live four houses away from my sister! I have pot roast at my parent's house on Sunday after church! We have family "fart" parties (maybe I'll explain that someday) with the extended family nearly every month to celebrate whoever's birthday it is! Atlanta is 1000 miles away!

Perhaps husband will be the voice of reason. Nope. He has his bags packed and is ready to go. Does your 17 years in Minnesota mean nothing to you?????

Memorial weekend 1997 the company flies CJ and I down to house hunt and we put ours on the market for sale by owner. My parents agree to sit in the house on Saturday and Sunday and hold an open house. By the time we get back on Monday it is sold. ("God? Are you trying to tell us something?") Meanwhile, while we are in Atlanta we house hunt with a realtor and are AMAZED at the bang for the buck in the south! We are quite pleased with the brand new four bedroom two-story on a slab that we choose.

The company gave me an incredible relo package (who am I???? I am a lowly, just graduated, 24 year old with no financial analysis experience!) and sent a moving company to pack up our whole house for us and drive it and one of our cars down to Atlanta in a moving semi.

My parents throw us a goodbye party and the day arrives to leave. June 29, 1997. (This is surreal. It has been exactly 3 months since I saw that job posting. How did this happen? Why are we doing this? I NEED my family!!!) It is a rainy morning. We are leaving from my parents house and my sister and brother arrive, and our next door neighbor family, Chuck and Jill, walk over. How do you say goodbye? We stand in the garage. Hugs, kisses, tears. Time to go. We get in the car with our 100 lb., sedated yellow lab, Frasier. I procede to sob uncontrollably...through every single state line crossing. I'm not kidding. Every time we'd cross into a new state, that much further from home, I would start sobbing again. Poor CJ. He couldn't get away fast enough...what is wrong with him??

I really started freaking out when we hit the deep south. I have a solid memory of one stop we made at a McDonald's in small town Tennessee. As I tried to order she asked me a question: "youwanknl;annidtkalhckkkkkdakjjfjlklkjthat?" uh, what? "youwanakljhthk;lhsakjthek;lkhktkj?" it took all my deducing skills to figure out that she was asking in a MAJOR southern accent "you want chili cheese fries with that?" I then ask for a "cohke" in my MAJOR Minnesota accent. She looks up at me strangely (did I pronounce it wrong?) and asks me what kind?? uh, a cohke? I find out sometime later that in the south, not only is there no such thing as "pahp", but every kind of soda is referred to as coke...as in "I'll have a coke"..."what kind"..."a sprite". Where am I moving to??????? I trudge back out to the car and burst into tears AGAIN as I tell CJ that I couldn't even understand what the cashier was saying!

We arrive in Atlanta the next afternoon, June 30, 1997, to begin our new life. Within a day we discover some big undisclosed problems with the house we are buying and we pull out of the contract. I am completely overwraught and unbalanced already from leaving my homeland. This threatens to send me completely over the edge. My furniture is on a truck heading towards Atlanta and I have no home to send it to!! My inlaws say no biggie, just live in our ginormous mansion for awhile to get your bearings. But no, like a petulant, foot stomping child, I INSIST that I MUST have my own home in order to transistion properly to this new life.

We crazily house hunt again and hit the jackpot on an even better house, in a better suburb, in a great family neighborhood. A brand new, four bedroom, two story, with unfinished, walkout basement on a cul de sac...bang for your buck down here, people...bang for your buck!

Back to the job...that is what brought us down here, isn't it? Yeah, that. Well, 9 months after moving down here and starting my job...which was a GREAT job and I did a GREAT job at it!...something didn't arrive one month and lo and behold we found out unexpectedly on our 3rd anniversary that we were expecting! 9 months later our Evie Jill arrived and I took 12 weeks maternity leave. At week 10 of leave I told CJ that we had to sell the house and move to a trailor, because I could not leave my baby!!! In a rash, stepping out in blind faith, decision, I called up my boss and submitted my 2 week notice. Describing the transistion to being an at home mom deserves a post of its own, so I will not chronicle that here...but let me just say, God is so faithful, and against all odds, He is the one who made my staying at home with our daughter possible. I am forever humbled and grateful.

We didn't end up selling the house and moving to a trailor. We stayed in that house for nearly 9 years, brought 3 more babies home to it, and enjoyed the wonderful friendships and families on our cul de sac and in our neighborhood. In 2005, when Evie started 1st grade at the small private school at our church, which with no traffic on Sunday morning still took us 25-30 min to get to, and on a weekday morning was now taking us an hour to get to...we (I) made the decision within four days of the school year starting that this drive wasn't going to work out and we had to move. I had ages 4, 2, and nursing baby at home with me, and while Evie was at school in the mornings I was a lunatic, driving around a radius of n'hoods surrounding our church/school to figure out where we should live. (I think this is where Madeline developed her tendency towards car sickness and also a love for McDonald's cheeseburgers).

Meanwhile, we threw the house on the market...luckily, over the 9 years we had made many improvements and had the whole house shining, so it was easy to get on the market. Somewhere from deep within myself I pulled out "psycho, crazy, perfect mom" and managed to keep that house perfect for showings despite having a 6, 4, 2, and baby to also care for. Thank you, God, that the house sold in 30 days or my nervous breakdown may have come sooner than it did (oh yes, people, the breakdown did come!)

There was no relo package this time, so I packed up THE ENTIRE HOUSE ALL BY MY LONESOME SELF. I really am not bitter about it...after all, my husband was out working hard to earn the bacon to afford this beautiful new house...actually I felt like "EMPOWERED SUPERMOM HOMEMAKER!" that I actually pulled it all off and looked good doing it (remember...the breakdown came later!)

After a couple hiccups in choosing the right house, we finally closed on Nov. 18, 2005...a house in a great, established family n'hood just 3 minutes from our church/school! What a difference location makes! I then UNPACKED THE ENTIRE HOUSE ALL BY MY LONESOME SELF...again, not bitter, someone has to be out paying for this house! Thanks, husband!

And here we will stay for all eternity, until one of our children drag our alzheimers butt's into a nursing home!

Adjusting to living 1000 miles away from family has been a years long journey for me, but I'll save those details for another time. I am in an excellent place now in feeling settled in the south, and love our life here. I could not imagine our family living in Minnesota even if a job opportunity arose for CJ up there. We feel that this is where God has firmly planted us and we want to go and be where He leads.

Thanks for letting me share.

Our Family's Calling Card...

"Chaos, panic & disorder---my work here is done."

Wiping...

"90% of motherhood involves some sort of wiping."

...and I'm not just talking about butts, although as a mother I have found that I continue to wipe many more butts than just my own even though none of my four children are in diapers anymore. Ah, the sweet sound of the sing-songy "maaaaaaa meeeeeee, I poooooooooo eeeeeeeeed!" or the more quiet, shy, "mom? I need help".

but anyway...I found a package of tissues with this saying on it awhile ago and could not resist the purchase. Anyone who is a mother knows the deep truth of this statement. I thought I'd try to list out as many things as I could think of that I wipe on any given day. If you can think of more, feel free to leave a comment below...go ahead...don't be shy. :)

A day in the life of a wiping mother: I wipe...

• the sleep out of my eyes
• the toothpaste drool off my mouth
• my first butt of the day
• spilled milk
• dog pee off the floor
• peanut butter, crumbs, dried on/unidentifiable substances off kitchen counters and various other surfaces in the house
• bodies in and out of baths and showers
• messy mouths
• sticky fingers
• another butt
• blood off boo-boo's
• glue and paint off the table
• handprints off windows, tv's, furniture, computer screen, mirrors...
• coffee that frequently spills all over my car console
• tears that fall (every day, from someone)
• another butt
• stains on clothes (actually I don't try that hard...i can barely keep up with the laundry let alone worry about stain removal!)
• slobbery kisses off my face (though I do enjoy them!)
• crayon and marker off the wall (some is waiting for me downstairs at this very moment - thanks go to Grace and William)
• nail polish off pitifully chipped toenails (my toes used to always be beautiful...sigh.)
• makeup off of little girls faces (right before daddy comes home)
• dust off of every surface in our house (actually thats a lie...i rarely dust)
• sweat off my brow when I find time to run
• poop, gum and mud off the bottom of shoes
• the brow of a puking child
• smug looks off pre-teen faces
• another butt

So what have you wiped lately?

Clarification...

I feel compelled to note that I am not the author of the hilarious dating rules and application I put on the "preparing for the future" posts....I found them on the internet and had to include them here, as this is EXACTLY the kind of dad my husband is going to be!

The internet did not credit an author for these pieces or I would credit him here!

Preparing for the future part 2

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you'll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter.

Preparing for the future...

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
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(you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

What's in a name? (part four)

Grace Josephine

2005. It was the day of the ultrasound. Jill was in town and was going to join the girls, CJ, and me for the viewing of the baby and his/her private parts in order to determine our path in life....FOUR girls?? or a little buddy, whose name had been picked out since 1998.

Our beautiful baby nursery was looking a little worn out after 3 back to back babies, and Jill and I had decided to go out after the ultrasound to buy gender appropriate new bedding for the crib...would we get to do that Nascar theme CJ and I had dreamed about?

Even before knowing the gender, I had resurrected Paige Michele as the potential girl name. Even though it was technically not my turn this time, I used the argument that I didn't really get my turn last time since he completely refused my name choice, and I further argued that had we had a boy any of those three other times there would have been absolutely no discussion about the name...it had been chosen by him and cemented in stone in 1998 with our first pregnancy. I got no say even though I had a boy name in my head that I really loved better than the name he wanted.

Anyway...it was a short lived resurrection, because I quickly learned that the aversion remained..."Paging Paige Bragg, Paging Paige Bragg"....is that really so offensive??

So, back to the ultrasound...we had been through this 3 times before. I would never even consider waiting until the birth to find out who any of my babies were! I wanted to know them, name them, imagine them, plan for them, while I carried them safe and sound in my womb. Week 20 of pregnancy was always my favorite, because I would get to know who my baby was!

There I was, up on the table, goo squirted on my belly, Jill, CJ, Evie, Mady, Sarah all gathered around to see the little baby emerge on the screen. I am feeling excitedly anxious...I just want to know already! Now remember, I had seen this three times already...he goes for the money shot and before he even says anything I scream "Its a girl! I can totally see it!" Ultrasound man confirms what I already knew, we all laugh, CJ lets his last remaining shred of hope for a little Joe fall to the ground, and we all enjoy checking out all the perfect body parts of our new little daughter and sister during the rest of the ultrasound.

Our boy name had remained the same since the first pregnancy...Joseph Edward...Joseph is CJ's middle name, and Edward was his grandfather's name. Boy, did he love that name...he would practice calling out "Number 31, Jooooooooeeeeeeeee Brrrraaaaggggg" to the hockey rink, and show me how impressive it would sound in introductions..."Joe Bragg. Nice to meet you." (For the record, I liked Paul Michael.)

In light of this and given the fact that Paige Michele was a child I would not be having with this husband, I suggested Josephine for a girls name, in homage to our little buddy, Joe, that God thought we did not need. Josephine was also my late grandma's middle name. Plus, I thought Josie would be a cute nickname. Ah, but alas, "No. It just isn't the same", was CJ's comment. Poor guy.

We had also discussed Grace as a first name before the ultrasound. We both liked it and it was especially poignant for us due to some circumstances a couple years earlier where God's grace had poured mightily down on us and we really felt God had given this "love child" to us to continue showing us His abounding Grace. With that in mind we were pretty much in agreement that we were going to choose that name if it was a girl, although I couldn't think up a middle name to save my life and thought it needed to be a more dramatic name sandwiched between two one syllable names Grace / Bragg. And I didn't like how Grace Michele sounded.

So, after the ultrasound, Jill and I went to lunch. We're discussing finding new girl nursery bedding and contemplating the perfect middle name to go with Grace. I had filled her in on our quest for coming up with another girl name and we talked about our little would be Joe. Suddenly she says, well, what about Grace Josephine? Grace Josephine! Yes! It was so obvious! How did I not come up with it on my own?? Loved it, loved it, loved it! It was a beautiful, old, three syllable name that flowed perfectly with the first and last name...it fit with the other "old" names of the older girls, it was my grandma's middle name, and it reminded us of our boy name and God's humor and perfect plan in blessing us with four girls.

On our birth announcement we put these perfect words...From the fullness of His grace, we have all received one blessing after another. John 1:16

Here is Grace Josephine with her daddy.

What's in a name? (part three)

Sarah Rose

Back to my turn, right? Me, him, me...sounds fair to me! Woohoo, because I became obsessed with the name Paige and thought it flowed beautifully with Michele as a middle name. Ahhhh, Paige Michele. Done.

One tiny problem. Husband did not like it. This actually did not faze me in the slightest at first, as I pointed out that I hadn't been particularly fond of Madeline, but submitted to his choice because, afterall, it was his turn. And now its my turn. Paige Michele. Done.

I went on merrily, ignoring him, for months, dreaming of my Paige Michele and imagining the older two girls calling her GiGi. However, CJ took every opportunity to voice his resistance, insisting that the girl would be made fun of, even though the worst he could come up with was "Paging Paige Bragg" for how kids would make fun of her. He told me all he could think of was a blank page in a notebook when I said the name.

Could it be that he didn't just dislike the name, but actually had a neurotic aversion to the name? Well, that wouldn't do, would it? I mean, would I really want to give my daughter a name that her daddy passionately hated?

Fine then.

I asked what he wanted to name her...he had no suggestions. I start throwing out a few names...no. no. no.

One day, when I felt we were getting way too close to delivery without agreeing on a name, and realizing my dream of Paige Michele simply could not be realized if he truly hated the name, I sat in the living room with him and just started throwing out names to see if we could get a short list of possibilities....(name?) no. (name?) no. (name?) no. (name?) no. (name?) no. Sarah? (pause), I could do Sarah. Really? I like Sarah, too. Should we pick Sarah? Sure. Okay, it's Sarah then!

And that's how we got Sarah...it was a bonus that it was a biblical name meaning "princess" and also that it was CJ's great grandma's name.

CJ decided he wanted the middle name to be Grace. Now obviously I like the name Grace, but I thought it was overused as a middle name and wanted something more special and unique to flow with Sarah.

Isn't Rose just that perfect name? Sarah Rose...is there a more beautiful name in existance? I loved it so much I forgot all about Paige Michele. But CJ thought he liked Sarah Grace better. Well, guess what? Up yours, buddy! Remember, it's MY turn, and I had to completely give up our daughter Paige Michele, our little GiGi, because of your abnormal aversion to the name! Sarah Rose it is!

And so it was. A bit of third born humor happened when CJ brought the paperwork home to enroll her on his health insurance within 30 days of birth. He had filled it out and I had to sign it. I take a look at it and see Sarah G. Bragg. Um, Sarah G., CJ? Yea, Sarah Grace. Um, your daughter's name is SARAH ROSE!!! For Pete's Sake!

Thank goodness for that Rose...she is our Sarah Rosy, Rose, Rosy, Rosebug, and CJ's favorite Roe. For her first birthday she had a completely rose themed party. Her name suites her perfectly.

Here is Sarah Rosy at her first Rosy birthday party. Next to her is her fairy godsister, Ashley.

What's in a name? (part two)

Madeline Mary

Of course it was only fair, since I essentially named our firstborn on my own, that daddy got a turn picking the name for our 2nd daughter.

I believe Madeline was on his list for our firstborn. We know how that turned out. I think he also pondered Megan seriously. I was unsure about Madeline as I had developed an aversion to it when years ago, before the "old fashioned" names became popular like they are now, my friend had a little flower girl in her wedding named Madeline and I thought it was such an odd sounding name for a little girl (I LOVE it now, as does seemingly half the population of little girls parents who also have used the name in the last several years),

Alas, it WAS his turn to name the baby and he wasn't swayed by my aversion. I told him I could agree to it if we actually called her Mady. He liked that and so she became "Mady" from the time she was in my womb.

I believe I suggested Mary as a nice complement to the big name of Madeline, and it also honored CJ's mom, whose name is Mary Anne. He like it and so it was decided...Madeline Mary, or Mady Mary.

Then, one day when she was four years old, this sweet but opinionated girl, who had NEVER EVER in her life been referred to as Madeline, came up to me and informed me ever so politely but firmly that she would from now on like to be called Madeline and in fact would not respond if we called her Mady.

I truly thought this was a passing fancy, but day after day as we stumbled over trying to remember to call her Madeline, she would gently but firmly remind us, her sisters, or anyone addressing her that her name was Madeline, not Mady.

Now, don't ask me why I chose the spelling M-a-d-y...I didn't realize there was a "normal" way to spell it until someone in my family, who shall remain nameless, [mom] implored me to consider the spelling of m-a-d-d-y or m-a-d-d-i-e. In my mind, the name Mady just looked like it was spelled m-a-d-y. I wasn't trying to be "cool" or "different"...as a matter of fact, I am against wierd spellings of normal names. And I have to say, I feel vindicated now that on Jon & Kate plus 8, their older twin daughter is spelled Mady. :)

(funny side note...this conversation took place with Evie shortly after Madeline made her proclamation:

Evie: Mommy, I've decided I want you to call me Eveliene from now on.

Mom: Evie, I am not going to call you Eveliene, that's not your name.

Evie: But, you're calling Mady Madeline!

Mom: That's because Madeline is her actual NAME!)

The writing was on the wall when I had to sign her up for kindergarten and asked her what she wanted to be called in class, reminding her that all her little friends have always known her as Mady, and Madeline is a longer name to write and, and, and....she was insistent, Madeline it was.

I really had to struggle to remember to call her Madeline and also remind everyone that had known her since birth to relearn her name. I got good at using other nicknames, which she was okay with as long as it wasn't Mady...Mads, Madel, Madelina, Madelly. We finally started to get used to it and I really started seeing her as a Madeline, and starting realizing what a beautiful name Madeline was. I gave her one more chance to revert back to Mady when I enrolled her in first grade, as she was beginning to allow her old friends to call her Mady again, and even when we slipped she wasn't jumping to correct us anymore. But she wanted to stick with Madeline formally, even though she was now okay with people occassionally referring to her as Mady.

I have come to discover that I am so glad she has incorporated her formal name into her life at an early age. I picture her as a Madeline as an adult, more than a Mady. And, schoolwise, most of the birth name Madeline's go by Maddy/Maddie in school, so going by Madeline is actually more unique for her.

And when I ponder where this sudden change came from, I learn something more about birth order. I believe it was her way, at age four, of climbing out from under the shadow of her big sister and out of the background of her younger boistrious and baby sisters to proclaim that she had something special and different about her that they didn't have...a big, fancy name. And by george, she was going to make use of it!

Here is Madeline Mary with her grandma Mary Anne around age 3 1/2 when she was still just Mady.

What's in a name? (part one)

Seeing as I am the cliche'd mother who hasn't written in her kids baby books since the 2nd one was born, I am looking at this blog as an opportunity to document thoughts and information for my kids to read when they are older, and as a bonus, you get to know me and my kids a little better...I thought I'd describe in detail how each of their names were chosen:

Evie Jill

As a little girl in the 70's I lived a musically sheltered life consisting of christian music and Kenny Rogers. Pioneering christian contemporary singer, Evie, was a young, blond haired cutie and my mom had all her records and played them daily. I loved her and just knew at my young age that when I grew up I was going to have a daughter named Evie.

Fast forward to 1998 when I am pregnant with our first child and find out it will be a girl. I tell CJ I love the name Evie and that is what I want to name her. He doesn't get it. He insists on making a list of possibilities that we will ponder. I indulge him secretly having no intention of naming her anything else. Somewhere in the 7th month of pregnancy, I realized he was serious about pondering other names and I had a hormonal breakdown as us pregnant women are prone to do and started crying, describing my love for singing Evie in the 70's and my little girl dreams of having a daughter named after her. What man can deny a hugely pregnant, borderline insane, first time mother-to-be? Thats right. He caved.

Evie it was. No, not Evelyn. Just Evie. Evie was the name I wanted her to be, so why make it longer or more formal? That was a hard concept for some people to accept. :)

Jill was always going to be the middle name of my first born daughter. As a matter of fact, if not for the childhood dream of an Evie, my first daughter would have been named Jill as her first name. Jill was/is my surrogate mother/sister/aunt, mentor, confidant, counselor, best friend, validating, encouraging, supportive, inspiring, soul sister and God-given gift to me when I was 5 years old and my family moved next door to her precious 25 year old self and her husband in 1978 which resulted in 27 years as neighbors.

I kept the middle name to myself and surprised Jill with Evie Jill's name on the day of her birth. Jill is now Evie Jill's fairy godmother; loving, praying, ever supportive of my girl and me as her mom.

I had the good fortune of meeting the original Evie a couple years ago...what a treat! I got teary when I spoke with her. I got to tell her about naming my Evie after her and she wrote a note to my Evie on the back of her school picture that I had brought along, and signed an old record album that I had and brought along. She was adorable and I sat front and center singing along while she sang and soaked up every minute of it!

And here is the original Jill with my
Evie Jill. I love her. What's even better, she loves me...and my girl. :)

Introducing the S in G.E.M.S...

S is for Silly...that's my kindergartener!
A zany, outgoing, smart, pop culture following, loud, joke cracking, tantrum throwing, enthusiastic, life-loving, compassionate, problem-solving, particular, take-charge, pants hating, fireball of personality! She will either conquer the world, or destroy it...nothing in between.
She makes me laugh every day.

Introducing the M in G.E.M.S...

Mads Mare, my special 2nd grader...
is a small, sweet, apple eating, kind, loving, moody, smart, easily embarrassed, imaginative, somewhat lazy, spongebob loving, fun, responsible, theatric, quiet, moral, deep question asking, obedient, sin confessing, mommy needing, special kiss giving, tangle-haired, tennis playing sweetheart.
I think she rocks!

Know where I can find a CAA meeting?

Do you think four posts in one day (my first day) were enough?

Hello. My name is Michele and I am a computer addict.

Seeing as I said I was going to Bragg about them...

...indulge me for a moment while I Bragg on my girls after their school conferences today...

comments from M's 2nd grade report:
-M is a great listener and follows directions the first time.
-she is honest and helpful
-M is a great student. She excels in reading and seems to really enjoy writing creatively.
-M's math skills are strong.

comments from S's kindergarten report:
-S is a delightful and enthusiastic student. She is excited about life in general!
-S can easily make friends with her outgoing nature, and has a genuine love and concern for people.
-S has successfully achieved all math and language arts concepts that have been introduced this year.

comments from E's 4th grade conference (haven't received the written report yet):
-E is an exemplary student.
-E is very inquisitive and asks excellent, challenging, and complex questions that spark further discussion on lesson topics.

Introducing the E in G.E.M.S.

My big E. My 4th grader, almost a double digit old. She's my girl.

Evie is a creative, smart, swim loving, disorganized, articulate, messy, animal loving, sensitive, poem writing, conscientious, stressed out, artistic, slightly flakey, deep thinking, friend loving, yodeling, emotional tween-ager who laments her first-born status while simultaneously enjoying the perks it brings (though she would never admit it).

I love her...we'll get through it together. :)

Introducing the G in G.E.M.S.

The Goo...

My lovable 3 year old. She is the quintessential "baby" of the family.

She is a color orange loving, thumb-sucking, bunny snuggling, animal loving, sugar eating, tv drooling, hannah montana singing, mom & dad's bed loving, foot stomping, whiney voiced, giggly, imaginative, clingy, hug hungry, little lovebug.

I am quite certain that if she was able to crawl back into my womb at any given moment, she would....and I'd probably let her. (sigh).

Dipping a toe in the water...

Testing...1, 2, 3, testing.

I'm here...I'm really doing it! Kind of exhilarating, kind of scary. I feel a little exposed, but maybe I am thinking too highly of myself...I might be the only one who is reading myself. Which is okay. Of course grandma and grandpa will feel compelled to affirm me by checking in, and my sister will be in secret competition with me, so she will be checking in to see what I am doing on my blog (hee-hee, wink-wink, Non).

Let the games begin!