Random Thoughts stream...

It is a dark, rainy day...I like it. It feels peaceful in the house and I have nowhere I need to go.

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I am caffeine free, so when I am out of decaf, like I am this morning, and drink caffeinated, I get a headache. I have one now.

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I am totally in love with my children in a nostalgic way lately. I look at the two little girls and want to cement in my conscious how precious and carefree and lacking self awareness they are as they dress up, twirl around, sing and dance through life right now.

I also am embracing and enjoying the emerging relationship with my pre-teen girl and have hopes that although I went from highly confident baby mama, to a lacking confidence grade school mama, that I will be coming out the other side into pre-teen mama with restored confidence in my ability to parent this new age group in our home. For my big girl, it seems that it is all about the time I give her, communication, empathy, boundaries and tangible acts of unconditional love, listening and understanding.

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Have a heavy heart for others pain today, as a young mom of four young boys at our church lost her husband yesterday to a very rapid, one in a million, illness related to mad cow disease...they got the diagnosis 2 weeks ago and he was gone yesterday on his oldest son's 10th birthday www.caringbridge.org/visit/scotthamilton1
He was a man who loved the Lord and although my heart is heavy and deeply grieved for his wife and kids left behind, there is joy in knowing he is partying with our Savior in Heaven right now.

Also praying for MckMama (my charming kids link on right) whose son almost died in-utero last summer with a heart condition but was fully healed by birth, but now after several healthy months of life is in the NICU with serious heart problems again.

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Wondering why I can't get my act together in my home. I am just not a good housekeeper and homemaker. I CAN do it, I know how to do it, I have done it consistently before...but I have had a long string of months and months now that I just can't get my act together with home upkeep. It affects the whole climate and dynamic of our home and family.

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Thinking pretty seriously about homeschooling. The kids are all re-enrolled in their private school for next year, but I will be spending time through next school year pondering the pros and cons of homeschooling perhaps 2 of my children. Grace for kindergarten would be a no-brainer, but not sure which of the other 3 it would be most beneficial...or detrimental...to have at home. I don't want it to be JUST about saving tuition money. I want to be sure I have a passion for it, and see that my children would benefit from it beyond the tuition money being saved. Will be praying about this a lot in the coming year.

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Am super proud of my 10 yr old who has found a passion and God-given talent for swimming, and athletics in general. I would have never pegged her, as a little girl, as the one who would emerge as our athlete, but that is exactly what she is emerging to be. She has a healthy competitive nature, a drive to succeed in sports, and the physicality and mental strength to be excellent in her athletic pursuits. My family was not athletic, so it is interesting, fun, and inspiring to watch this athleticism emerge in her. I don't know how to be an athlete mom, so for now I just sit quietly on the sidelines in awe and wonder at her abilities.

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The little girls are obsessed with baths...and joyfully, they are fully self-sufficient in this area...I will just hear the bath start to run...as I am hearing it now...I don't know how well they do scrubbing themselves down, but I figure if they are marinating in bath water a couple times a day and get a little soap action going while they play, they must be getting somewhat clean each time, right? My heart was so warmed yesterday as I heard 6 yr old Sarah preparing herself a bath and singing to herself "God is so good, He's so good to me."

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I get overwhelmed at time by the "affluent suburban lifestyle". I look at our big house and all our "stuff" and can feel disgusted sometimes at the unnecessary gluttony of it all, especially when I feel like we financially struggle to keep it all going. I think I would have been a good Caroline Ingalls, or 50's housewife. I am feeling a total purge and declutter mode coming over me. Simple, I want simplicity. Sometimes I want to move to the country, homeschool all my children, bake my own bread, and gather eggs from our chicken coop every morning...but I'd like to wear Ann Taylor Loft and have professionally colored hair while tending to the farm animals. :)

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A dear friend sent me a homemade gratitude journal. I am looking at it right now. I have so much to be thankful for, I could easily fill every page. But do I take the time to really sit and feel grateful? Tell the Lord how thankful I am for the life He has given me? No, I tend to let the weight of my petty complaints overwhelm me and forget to live in a state of gratitude and joy. This isn't rocket science...it's a choice. Does anyone else struggle with choosing joy and gratitude over grumbling, complaining and holding onto pettyness?

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This could have been called Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy if it were more humorous and less heavy....I guess the darkness and rain has left me quite contemplative today. I am going to go forward now and do something productive in my home! Happy day to you all!